The problem with Hove Park…

…I love Hove Park, it’s virtually on my doorstep…it’s got a fabulous newly refurbished playground for “the boy” and acres of space for him to kick a ball around or just run about.

But there is a blot on the horizon, trouble in paradise, worse than any dog fouled pavement…I am of course referring to the scourge of the Hove Park Cafe…the Hove Park Mum.


The natural habitat of the HPM

The natural habitat of the HPM

Now of course I am not referring to all female parents but one specific subspecies. And trust me you can’t miss them.

You are first warned of the presence of a hive of HPM’s as you approach the park. The perimeter of the park is lined with parking spaces and these will be filled to groaning with badly parked 4×4’s or MPV’s (although the MPV is more the vehicle of the HPM wannabee).

Parking in the South West corner of the park nearest the cafe seems to be the prefferred destination, with the parking bays resembling more of a Knightsbridge demolition derby.  The reason for this preferred destination is that your common or garden HPM wouldn’t actually want to exercise in the park or even entertain their children. Far better to let Tarquin and Persephone run free whilst the HPM exchanges the latest in vacuous tittle tattle with other members of the hive.

N.B Chances are Tarquin and Persephone will be twins conceived by the delights of IVF. Nature is trying to protect us from this obnoxious sub species reproducing but unfortunately hubbie’s salary seems to be winning this battle for survival.

Distinguishing characteristics of a HPM:

Pristine tyres on the 4×4, they have only driven 200m to reach the park.

Immaculate paintwork on aforementioned 4×4, this vehicle will have seen as much of the countryside as your average town fox. And don’t be fooled, despite the inability to drive or park the HPM’s vehicle of choice will have been bodyshopped more times than Joan Rivers.

Membership card in wallet for IVF clinic

Abscence of work or colleagues in conversation – these women have never ventured into the workplace nor earnt a days salary in their lives.

Will be sitting in a group of women, blocking your way, all surrounded by twin/triplet pushchairs.

Abhorence of silence, – preferably filled with vacuous inane chitter chatter.

Off spring will be badly behaved, sickly looking children probably with nut allergys and lacto sintolerant.

Excellent working knowledge of Jamie’s lunchtime menu.

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